i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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