life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
