I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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