I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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