my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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