I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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