omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
