I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
