I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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