I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
