Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
