I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
