Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
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I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
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Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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