Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
