I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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