I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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