just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
