i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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