she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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