Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ketchup is God's man juice
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
