I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
