i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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