I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
