So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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