I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
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The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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