if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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