And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
