I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
