I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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