some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
