the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
