so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
