Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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