I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
