Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
