turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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