the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
