Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
