Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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