It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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