i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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