my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
