He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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