No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
ttyl tear gas
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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