Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Vodka?
Forever.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
