I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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