So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
