His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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