I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I fill condoms, not promises.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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