I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Randomize
