i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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