that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
