you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
