is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
