It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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