My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
