HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
