You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
