; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
