just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
