Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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