I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
