dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
